To say that
the population of a halfway house is diverse is putting it mildly.
In fact,
outside of the common desire to recover, most residents have very little in
common. Addiction is an “equal
opportunity” disease that cuts across all socio-economic classes, so it’s not
surprising that our residents come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and from
all walks of life. Most of the time the only thing that this polycultural group
shares in common is that they find themselves temporarily at the same halfway house.
Being the
inherently stubborn and self-centered people that addicts usually are,
conflicts can arise, and “buttin’ heads” is common. Pity the poor staff member
who has to ride herd on this unruly bunch, and mediate the disputes that can
arise, sometimes over the most trivial things.
I once observed that a small boxing ring in the back yard and two pairs
of gloves would make an effective solution!
The house
manager and I were discussing that sort of situation today on the front
porch. Of the twelve men in residence,
all but one seemed to be willing to get along.
His attitude was so prickly that one or two of the new admissions had supposedly
been scared away when they found themselves rooming with him, and the other residents
were complaining about him. I was surprised to hear it, since my experience
with him had been mostly positive. I reminded the manager that none of us might
know what unknown things might bew stressing him out. “True,” he replied “but
the house rules make it very plain that he has to cooperate with the other
residents and staff, and I am just about ready to let him go.”
And he was
right, the house rules make it very clear that you have to at least cooperate
with the other people here, whether you like them or not. After all, a halfway house is a peer
community, with emphasis on the community. “I don’t really understand it either,” the house
manager said, “because he’s been here a while, and when he first got here, he
was as good a resident as we ever had. It’s like he has some sort of death
wish, and he’s just trying to get kicked out.”
At that
point I had an “aha!” moment, because I’d seen similar situations many times
before. Sometimes when a man feels in his heart that it really is time to leave
the halfway house, he just can’t bring himself to simply say “Well, I’m done
here, so goodbye and good luck ya’ll.” After all, there are no bars on the door
– as our old director Ray used to remind us -- “The front door swings both
ways, you walked in here through it and you can just as easily walk out of the
same door.” But for some men, taking the direct responsibility for making that decision
is too hard. Their behavior gets worse and worse until they are finally asked
to leave. Sometimes it’s more comfortable to see yourself as a victim. Sometimes
you have to make that decision for a man, he’s just not able to make it for
himself.
So when do you need to do a man a favor, and let
him go? There’s a simple question you
can use, the answer to which will tell you all that you need to know:
Is the house
better off with him or without him?
